When we compassionately free our animals from pain and suffering by euthanasia, or when we tragically lose them due to an accident or if they go missing, our minds punish us with guilt, regret, shame, blame or anger at ourselves or another. Additionally, grief is complex in that it is layered with resurfacing of past losses. This is especially painful when our animals are associated with a beloved person who has died. With any loss, we tend to question our faith, religious/spiritual beliefs or life philosophies. These emotional gyrations are the plight of all humankind when grieving. The important thing to know is that this is all normal. So how do we transform the pain and hold onto the love?
We start by learning to be in relationship with our pain and grief. How? By allowing it to unfold with giving testimony to our stories so that our love is witnessed and honored. This can be done through ritual, memorials, art, writing, one-on-one grief support, or a grief support group.
“When you love an animal, you are chosen over and over again, each day, for a lifetime.”
— M.H. Clark
Anticipatory Grief
We all tend to go through life as though death is a theory instead of a reality. So when we’re faced with a terminal illness or aging of our animal companions, we are thrown into an agonizing panic by the inevitable truth. How will we cope without their love and companionship? Can we survive the loss? Can we adequately care for them? Can we afford their treatment? And the unknown: How much longer will we have with them? Will we have to choose euthanasia? How will we know when? What will their death be like? Or what about a natural death?
Anticipatory grief begins before death. Veterinarians help us assess quality of life, provide understanding of what to expect with the disease process and when death is near. But as advocates for our animals, it is up to us to make decisions. Seeking grief support can help alleviate the isolation and anxiety and helps to treasure the sacred time remaining. When we can stay present with the animal, fear dissipates which then helps soften the grieving process.
Disenfranchised Grief
Three months after my beloved dog died, I cried while mentioning her death to a friend. Touching my arm tenderly, the friend said, “Oh, you’re still upset about it?” I was stunned. Would she have said this if I had been crying for a human after three months? Not likely. This is a perfect example of disenfranchised grief, or grief that is dismissed or overlooked. Many people have grieved as much or more for an animal than for a human. While it may be true that our culture values human life over the lives of animals, our love with them is deeply rooted and we can and do grieve our animal companions profoundly.
Grief for animals is unfortunately not the only disenfranchised grief. Other examples are pregnancy loss, non-traditional partner loss and non-deaths such as divorce or job loss.
